Woe is He
by Aiselne Phoenix Nocturnus
Summary: It's not easy being the Earl of Phantomhive, especially whilst engaged to a hyperactive fiancée. Being Ciel's butler, Sebastian couldn't possibly understand his poor master's stress…could he? Lizzie!fluff, with a guest appearance by Grell! One-Shot.


_**Woe is He**_

**SUMMARY**: It's not easy being the Earl of Phantomhive, especially whilst engaged to a hyperactive fiancée. Being Ciel's butler, Sebastian couldn't possibly understand his poor master's stress…could he?

**GENRE**: General/Humor  
**RATED**: PG / K+  
**NOTABLE CONTENT**: Lizzie!fluff, and Grell being, well, _Grell_. Enough said.  
**PAIRING(S)**: Mild Elizabeth/Ciel & one-sided Grell/Sebastian

**COPYRIGHT NOTE**: I don't own _Kuroshitsuji / Black Butler  
_**STORY TAKES PLACE IN**: Generally anytime during the series

**COMMENTS**: My first Lizzie/Ciel(ish) story. I am indeed a shipper for the earl and his adorable fiancée, but I don't often write about them (shame on me) because my imagination is typically spent on ideas regarding a certain red reaper. ;) So I figured why not write a ficlet that encompasses the best of both worlds? That, and I love it whenever Sebastian not-so-subtly teases Ciel's immaturity.

Yarn written just for giggles, nothing more. Enjoy!

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**Woe is He  
**_Aiselne P.N._

"Who could that be at this hour?" pondered an annoyed Ciel whilst he and his butler headed for their estate's main entrance. It was only seven-thirty in the morning, a tad too early for typical guests to be knocking animatedly against the front door. Ciel was not fond of surprises, either.

Sebastian smirked to himself, silently amused by his master's crankiness. By no means was Ciel Phantomhive a morning person. But it would be rude to ignore their unexpected visitor.

Not three seconds after the butler unlocked and opened the door did a blonde tornado soar by and tackle-hug her flabbergasted fiancée:

"CIIIIEL! I'm so happy to see you! It's been _ever_ so long since we last saw each other yesterday! I've missed you sooo much, you sweet boy you! You simply _must_ join me for a picnic this afternoon! Sebastian, too—everyone's invited! You _are_ free this afternoon, right? Right! It's settled! One o'clock this afternoon by the riverbed. Ooooh! It's perfect! Paula! We must contact Miss Hopkins at once and have her send over those clothes I ordered! Wait until you see them, Ciel! Aaw! They're the most _adorable_ matching outfits! I can't wait to show you my new parasol, too! _Aaaaaw_! You'll love it! Ijustknowyouwill! Remember, one o'clock today! Don't be late! Love you! SEEYOULATER, CIEL!"

Undeniably, Earl Phantomhive was engaged to a cute-crazed, curly-haired whirlwind. And he was utterly exhausted by the time Elizabeth and Paula left not one bloody minute after arriving. Had he no pride, the poor boy would have asked Sebastian to carry him to the nearest bed to nap and recharge his Lizzie-drained energy. Ciel loved his childhood friend and wife-to-be, but good gods, Elizabeth Midford put Funtom Company's best wind-up dolls to shame!

Sebastian's devilish grin broadened discreetly as he closed the front door, watching the master through the corner of his red eye. The look on Ciel's blanched face read, "w-what just happened?" as though the wind was knocked right out of him. The sight was too comical for Sebastian to ignore. Even more so, the tinge of blush across the child's cheeks was particularly priceless. Bocchan did not take well to physical affection.

"Shall I fetch some tea for you, my lord?" offered the manservant, his silky voice coaxing Ciel out of his stunned daze. "Or perhaps this once you would prefer coffee to reinvigorate yourself?"

Ciel would have agreed with Sebastian's witty offer if he were not so stubborn. With a scoff the earl narrowed his un-patched eye and resumed his normal demeanour. "Don't be cheeky, Sebastian." Although, the dark-haired boy did wonder if Lizzie drank too much caffeine or ate too much sugar. How in heaven's name did such a small lady's body store so much vigour?!

"My apologies, sir," though Sebastian sounded anything but sorry after witnessing the entertaining spectacle Elizabeth made out of his young lord. Ciel always behaved like an unwavering king; it was rather refreshing to find one person who could shake the boy's façade. Not even Sebastian could do that. Who would have thought sweet little Lizzie would have one advantage over Phantomhive's omnipotent butler? "You just appeared a tad winded after the Lady Elizabeth's visit, is all."

"_Winded" he says_, Ciel thought to himself, running a hand through his bangs. It was too early in the morning to feel a headache coming on. "How can I _not_ be? Lizzie's behaviour is ridiculous. I must remind myself that she is technically of higher nobility than I am! Honestly, how can someone of her status behave so shamelessly? If only Elizabeth acted more like her mother…"

Then again, Aunt Francis was a tad _too_ self-disciplined for Ciel's comfort. Marchioness Midford was downright frightening sometimes (especially whenever she brandished a rapier), and when Ciel was younger he swore not to marry a scary lady. Funny now, considering the thirteen-year-old watchdog had encountered far scarier things than a strong-willed woman.

Still, that did not exonerate Elizabeth's silliness. She need not act as rigid as her mother, but Ciel believed just a smidgen of self-control went a long way. Not to say the boy was sick of Lizzie altogether, but, "I've grown tired of her nonsense."

"Is humouring her whims really so trifling, young master?" Sebastian asked, hardly believing Elizabeth's antics were the worst predicaments to befall the Aristocrats of Evil. "She _is_ your future wife. It is expected of you to—"

"I do not imagine a _demon_ can understand, Sebastian," Ciel rebuked coldly, folding his arms over his young chest. "Farces such as 'affection' and 'humiliation' mean nothing to your kind. You can't begin to fathom my problems. I will sooner go deaf by Lizzie's squealing in my ears, and her hugs bloody near squeeze the life out of me worse off than that damned corset you and Madam Red forced me to wear once!" And only once, Ciel swore on his life. "Elizabeth bowls me over every time we meet, she never listens, and…"

At the rate he was going Ciel would rant on (and on) for the rest of the day. Sebastian would have none of that, not when the day was young and there were far more imperative matters to complain about. Bocchan was not exactly the epitome of maturity by whining his woes to his poor manservant, either.

Sebastian sighed. "If it bothers you so, why not be honest and tell the young lady?"

"I would if she stopped blithering on for two seconds!" Naturally, the haughty boy did not have the nerve to admit (to Sebastian of all characters) that he hated making Lizzie cry, even if she only had herself to blame for the tears.

Ciel abhorred his own cowardice. He was more outraged with himself than he was with his fiancée, hence the boy's tantrum. "Elizabeth never gives me a moment's peace! It is exasperating! Really, Sebastian, you have absolutely _no_ concept as to how obnoxious it is to be treated so inappropriately—"

Somehow their conversation transformed into a lecture, one Sebastian was glad to be interrupted by another sudden knock at the door. He so nearly answered before his flabbergasted earl unexpectedly beat him to the punch. If Ciel's crazy betrothed dared return not five minutes after her previous tornado… Forget it!

He could not be a coward anymore! Ciel was Earl Phantomhive and it was time he exerted his authority, even if it meant hurting Elizabeth's feelings. He was not doing Lizzie any favours by coddling her. In time she would understand that tough love was the only way for her to mature into a true, proper woman.

"Elizabe—!" And not three seconds after the boy's ringed hands tore open the door did another tornado soar into his foyer…

…and glomp _Sebastian_ this time:

"SEBAS-CHAAAAN! My darling~! I'm soooo happy to see you! Your mistress has missed you so! It's been so long, _too_ long since our last moonlight tryst! We simply must make up~ for lost tiiime! Ooh, how the nights have been ever so lonely and _ever_ so cold without you to light my fire. What say you and I rendezvous tonight, under the stars, a steamy death-match to christen our taboo love! _Oooooh yes_! And when the curtain falls and we are bloodied and breathless we may then use the heat of our battle for an even _more_ intimate, _mooore_ passionate dance~! Our lovechild won't conceive itself, you knooooow~!"

It was Sebastian's turn to blanche exhaustedly. _Where_ did Grell concoct such perversity? (It was a rhetorical question. Sebastian did not actually want to know). Although, he was minutely impressed that the shinigami bothered to make his debut through the front entrance—via _knocking_, no less!—opposed to sneaking through a window or busting down a door. Could it be? Might Grell Sutcliff be learning _manners_? Sebastian did not get his hopes up, not when he felt a too-sharp nibbling on his right earlobe and dainty fingers slithering into places they did not belong.

But there was one—and only one—obvious reason why Sebastian did not instantaneously send the red-haired deviant into orbit (for now). Grell did have his uses, once in a while.

The Phantomhive butler would endure anything for his master…and by the same token, Sebastian would endure anything to bring his self-centred little master into checkmate. Because hidden behind his Grell-annoyed frown and sigh the raven devil was smirking victoriously.

"You were saying, sir, about my not understanding your unfathomable troubles?"

**The End**

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**A/N**: Fangirls—can't live with them, can't live without them. :3

I hope you enjoyed this silly little story. Reviews would be much appreciated!


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